There Comes a Pause

Howdy, All!

I hope life has been treating you all well since the last time we spoke. It has to me, for the most part. I can't say my life isn't going well, it is, and what I am going to write about today does not change that. It's just something that I need to talk about, something I need to get off my chest. This is personal, too personal, it feels, to talk to anyone about it. I hesitate to even put it on here because of how many people I know who have access to this page.
However, I have to put it somewhere. I will go insane if I don't, and where's a better place to write about my pointless feelings then here, the spot that was created solely to write about my meaningless feelings.
Tonight's topic requires a bit of a backstory to fully understand. There was a man who was simply not a good man. We'll refer to him as Bob. Bob had a wife and three children. This wasn't exactly the life Bob wanted. He wanted to be a rockstar. He had a band going for quite a while, they were good and very popular in the local scene, but as everyone grew up and began their lives, the band fell apart. Though the others were happy with this life, Bob simply was not. He tried to settle down with a wife and some kids. This just wasn't the life for free spirit Bob and he couldn't keep it up for long. He began spending more and more time away from the family. This caused him and his wife to fight and further caused Bob to spend more time away from the family. It has been confirmed that during this time, Bob was cheating (with his sister in law, as well as others), drinking, and doing drugs. There are rumors about other things but they have not been confirmed. As expected, his wife filed for divorce. After it was finalized, Bob had to pay child support for his three children, however, without a steady job or a place to live, Bob quickly began living on the streets. Every penny he made was taken by the state for the child support he owed, but it was still never enough. Now isolated, Bob contacted the child who always idolized him, the child who needed a father, his son, who we'll call Jimmy. Jimmy is his middle child and was about 14 at the time. He was doing well in school, he had a lot of friends and a lot of girls after him. However, long story short, feeling obligation and needing acceptance from his father, Jimmy traded all of that and began drinking and doing drugs with his father. Jimmy dropped out of school and never graduated. Jimmy shut out and cut contact with all of this friends and his family, including his young niece, who he served as an idol to, the niece who may or may not have been me. Jimmy gave up everything to be with his father who turned against him, often accusing him and calling the cops on him from what he did not do and hurting him.. physically. Jimmy soon fell into a deep depression and became suicidal, which pushed him further into alcohol and drugs. My parents chose to do, probably what was best to do in the situation. They never told me all this, but they didn't keep me from them either. I strove for a relationship with them, and I got that. I was still fairly young when Bob would use me as a shoulder to lean on and cry on (I cry like he does, I think it makes me hate crying more) when he was down. He told me things that made me turn against the rest of the family, making it seem as if this was their fault, as if they just threw him out. He told me about how everyone hated him and he was going to die alone and no one would care. I tried to repair my relationship with Jimmy, as that was all I truly wanted, but he never let me that close. Still, I was sneaky and I was the only one who knew about his plans to commit suicide, I talked him out of it. I rapidly searched for him when he would disappear for weeks.
When I got older, I began to see the truth.I saw why the pastor who I finally told all this to one day didn't pray for Bob and Jimmy as I had asked, but that I be protected from Bob and Jimmy. At the time I thought it was ridiculous, I've always tried being stronger than I really am. I began to despise Bob, I refused to have contact with or even mention Jimmy. Coincidentally, this was the time that Bob was diagnosed with cancer. A second opinion discovered it was in fact, not cancer, but during that month that we thought it was, it was a constant battle in me. Sorry that this is all jumbled. I've kept this all to myself my whole life, so it's kind of all coming out now. Skip forward to current times, Jimmy found the strength to separate himself from Bob. He's been sober for two months now. He is working on his GED and he as I are going to start mending our relationship. He contacted me, asking if I would be alright with it once he knew he had a handle on things. I told him that I was ready whenever he was. Bob is well, still Bob. You can't change Bob.
This has been on my mind lately because I have to go see Bob tomorrow. His youngest, who was like a mother, sister, and best friend growing up decided to have a joint birthday party with him. I want to go have to go for her, I just don't want to be anywhere near Bob.
Especially lately, when I am beginning to realize just how much I have in common with Bob. I'm a free spirit and though I love my boyfriend with everything I am, sometimes I just see him as an anchor holding me here. Same with Twin and Zach, the two people I've let the closest to me. I hate thinking about them like that, absolutely loathe it. I need to learn how to balance the two, but you know me, I'm all or nothing (which makes my condition make a lot more sense) and I don't know how to be happy where I am. I don't know how to just let things be what they are and be content with it. I wish I could.
Okay, so maybe I lied about that life being good part. My brain is getting all messed up again. All I do is fight with everyone. Being home is literally a death sentence. I can't stop thinking about hurting myself or someone else and killing myself or someone else. If I was smart, I would go see my old therapist. Zach wants me to, he even offered to call her for me. I would see her before things spiral out of my control. I would show her my research over PTSD from the accident and see what she thought so I could heal and not have panic attacks whenever I drive and be able to watch those stupid car accident videos without entirely breaking down. Coby told me he had been in an accident the other day (he wasn't really, but that's another story) and I even though he was texting me so I knew he was fine, my reaction was really bad. Yet I don't want to see her, not after what happened. I don't want to see her and have her tell me what I already know. I don't want to see her and waste my parent's time or money to try to fix something that will always be broken. I want to work through this on my own. I can.
Meanwhile school starts again today, so I have to find the money for more classes and more supplies. I need Mom to help me buy a chem kit online that I need TODAY because I don't have online money yet, but she isn't listening to me. I need online money. I need a new job, one in my field. I need to take that test Saturday.. I need to study for that test Saturday. I put it off for months, I can't expect it all just to come back to me. I shouldn't have taken so many online courses. I have no fucking clue what to do and the emails didn't really help. I just want everything to stop, stop for five minutes and let me breathe.
And the barely scratches the surface. My god, I hate everything.
If Lewis was right and there really comes a pause, can I have mine?
Don't worry about me, Loves, I'll be fine, I'll survive, it's just been a bad night, but thank you for listening. <3
-S

"There comes a pause, for human strength will not endure to dance without cessation; and everyone must reach the point at length of absolute prostration." -Lewis Carroll

No Good Fish

Greetings, My Dears,

How are you all doing this fine evening? I wish I could come bearing better news, but I'm, for the lack of a more elegant term... pissed. I'm pissed but then I'm further pissed because I am pissed.
Let me start from the beginning.
This post concerns my amazing, darling, hardheaded boyfriend. He and I have been together for roughly two years. One year and two months straight, which is how long we consider us being together. I just mention for context that we have been together for roughly two years minus around two months, so you know that when I say we truly know each other and have stuck it out through a lot, you understand. Yet this has been extremely difficult on us.Toward the end of the summer, he was working and living with his father while looking into school. However, the issue was, the job made him miserable. He honestly hated it, as to whether that was because it was honestly all that bad or if it was really just how he viewed and reacted to the situation I'm not sure, and frankly, I don't care. After a few months, with my encouragement to do something that would make him happy rather than upset him, he got ready to give his dad his two weeks. When it got time for him to tell him, he couldn't. His father sensed something was wrong and asked him about it, he refused to tell him, they argued, and he decided to go live with his mother in the next city, roughly an hour and a half away. Now all opinions about his mother aside, this wasn't the best option for him. His father and other people who care for him tried to convince him to come back, I focused on supporting him while secret hoping he would listen to them. After a few months of doing nothing besides driving back and forth every week to see family, he had a bit of an awakening due to financial issues. At this point, he took advantage of an offer his dad had given him about working with him again. This irked me because I saw him taking advantage of his dad's kindness, but I didn't worry too much about it. After a month of driving back and forth every day, he was beginning to see that it was obviously ridiculous.
So this leads us to where we are now.
He's moving back on Saturday. Two days to go. Though, I guess something happened with that to prolong it, he didn't actually tell me what it was or how it changed anything, but whatever. Now, as you can see, we've basically made a full loop, and as patterns do, this one as well continued. As you can guess, he hates his job, it's making him miserable. Now he's planning on quitting again. I don't really want to know how this ends up this time. I know he's planning on going back to his fast food job from high school.
He's selling himself short, he always does, he's this great person capable of amazing things. He just needs to work at it and believe he can do it. Just don't tell him that. He'll push you away or find a way to beat himself up about it. This is all irritating and stressful to be honest, but I don't feel like I even have a right to have an opinion on it. So far, the only way it's honestly effected me was that I don't know what's going on with out plans Saturday.
I don't know why it bothers me as much as it does. I think it's mainly because I care for him so much and watching him put himself through this hurts. I'm even more upset that it bothers me because I have no right for it too, as well as the fact that he needs me to support him right now, not be upset with him.
I've been trying to focus on feeding the right wolf and going back to my old self, just in the nature that I was a kinder and better person. This will be a challenge on that.
I'm a bit worried about posting this. Now that Twin has access to this blog, and Twin thinks I should tell him, how do I know Twin won't show him or tell him? I don't want him to know, especially not like this, especially not through this post that has been typed influenced by my opinion and emotions and could be missing a lot of little pieces. I guess that is a risk I run... but I need to get this out. I need to get this somewhere.

-S

"No good fish goes anywhere without a purpose." -Lewis Carroll

It's a Poor Sort of Memory

Bonjour Darlings,

Sorry to ruin your Tuesday, but I kind of need to speak with someone about this and I don't want to interrupt Zach at school, not with all that's been going on. Ignore that, that's beside the point. It is kind of funny though, looking back now about how much I pushed him out for my other friends yet in the end he became my only friend.
He's not who I want to talk about today though, I want to talk about my other "friends" specifically one.
Happy birthday, by the way, Dear.
Though I can't tell you that personally because when I tried to I saw that you blocked me, without even reading the page-long apology message I sent to you. The one I sent early in the morning after being awake all night, unable to handle the feelings I've had of missing you for months now. All I had to do to get blocked was send you a friend request, one that I retracted soon after.
So I guess all I can do now is say that I tried, and though it's never enough to say you tried, that's what I'm left with now. That and trying not to remember the memories of when things were good. When you had my back and I had yours. All the times we needed someone and found the other there. The times we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. The time we read about a snake that cloned herself and listened to Walk the Moon because it was our compromise between your music in mine. All the times we compromised between your music and mine, like eighth grade when we decided to play "All I Do is Win" at the beginning and "We Are the Champions" at the end to compromise. Even if that ended up being a competition between us. So much was, but it was inevitable. Even from the first day we met you and I had a competition between us. But we overcame that, we became friends, really, really close friends. That was the thing with us, we overcame, everything, everything until the end.
I can't think about that though. I can't think about the things we overcome but I have to think about the end, the things that tore us apart. I have to remember all the times you shoved me to the side. The times you pushed me out for friends that convinced you that drugs and alcohol would solve your problems. I can't remember that time you reached out to me and I couldn't help so I had to reach out to them, because it wasn't the feud between us that mattered to me. It was you and what was best for you. I can't remember the time I tried to stop you from seeing him... but you still did... then I held you for hours until you calmed down.
I have to remember the bad things between us. Too bad the good outweigh them. I wish you'd remember that.

Thanks for listening, everyone. That helped a bit,
-S

"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards." -Lewis Carroll

I Can't Go Back to Yesterday

'Allo, Loves,

First off, I want to apologize for just disappearing on everyone. My initial blog caused me to focus on the negative in my life instead of rejoicing in all the good things that were happening. I just felt it was a good idea to take that enabler out of my way.
Now I'm back because I kind of missed it.
I wanted to start fresh. Same title, same tagline, but new blog and new purpose.
How has everything been going for everyone? Things got really good for a while, but recently kind of came crashing down a little bit. It's nothing that a lot of hard work and time won't fix. That's my only fear in starting this blog right now, that it'll evolve into all the negative things the old one was.
Still, I believe things have changed quite a bit since then. I am a different person living a different life.
Despite having an entirely different life now, I am currently trying to repair some of the friendships I broke before. This scares me because it's another route into my old life that I am putting in front of myself. I believe I am strong enough to avoid it. I lost some very amazing people and I want them back, if they will allow me back into their lives.
If not, I understand. I made countless mistakes, hurt many people. I can't go back to yesterday, but I can ask for forgiveness and try to fix things today.

-S

"I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then." -Lewis Carroll