I hope life has been treating you all well since the last time we spoke. It has to me, for the most part. I can't say my life isn't going well, it is, and what I am going to write about today does not change that. It's just something that I need to talk about, something I need to get off my chest. This is personal, too personal, it feels, to talk to anyone about it. I hesitate to even put it on here because of how many people I know who have access to this page.
However, I have to put it somewhere. I will go insane if I don't, and where's a better place to write about my pointless feelings then here, the spot that was created solely to write about my meaningless feelings.
Tonight's topic requires a bit of a backstory to fully understand. There was a man who was simply not a good man. We'll refer to him as Bob. Bob had a wife and three children. This wasn't exactly the life Bob wanted. He wanted to be a rockstar. He had a band going for quite a while, they were good and very popular in the local scene, but as everyone grew up and began their lives, the band fell apart. Though the others were happy with this life, Bob simply was not. He tried to settle down with a wife and some kids. This just wasn't the life for free spirit Bob and he couldn't keep it up for long. He began spending more and more time away from the family. This caused him and his wife to fight and further caused Bob to spend more time away from the family. It has been confirmed that during this time, Bob was cheating (with his sister in law, as well as others), drinking, and doing drugs. There are rumors about other things but they have not been confirmed. As expected, his wife filed for divorce. After it was finalized, Bob had to pay child support for his three children, however, without a steady job or a place to live, Bob quickly began living on the streets. Every penny he made was taken by the state for the child support he owed, but it was still never enough. Now isolated, Bob contacted the child who always idolized him, the child who needed a father, his son, who we'll call Jimmy. Jimmy is his middle child and was about 14 at the time. He was doing well in school, he had a lot of friends and a lot of girls after him. However, long story short, feeling obligation and needing acceptance from his father, Jimmy traded all of that and began drinking and doing drugs with his father. Jimmy dropped out of school and never graduated. Jimmy shut out and cut contact with all of this friends and his family, including his young niece, who he served as an idol to, the niece who may or may not have been me. Jimmy gave up everything to be with his father who turned against him, often accusing him and calling the cops on him from what he did not do and hurting him.. physically. Jimmy soon fell into a deep depression and became suicidal, which pushed him further into alcohol and drugs. My parents chose to do, probably what was best to do in the situation. They never told me all this, but they didn't keep me from them either. I strove for a relationship with them, and I got that. I was still fairly young when Bob would use me as a shoulder to lean on and cry on (I cry like he does, I think it makes me hate crying more) when he was down. He told me things that made me turn against the rest of the family, making it seem as if this was their fault, as if they just threw him out. He told me about how everyone hated him and he was going to die alone and no one would care. I tried to repair my relationship with Jimmy, as that was all I truly wanted, but he never let me that close. Still, I was sneaky and I was the only one who knew about his plans to commit suicide, I talked him out of it. I rapidly searched for him when he would disappear for weeks.
When I got older, I began to see the truth.I saw why the pastor who I finally told all this to one day didn't pray for Bob and Jimmy as I had asked, but that I be protected from Bob and Jimmy. At the time I thought it was ridiculous, I've always tried being stronger than I really am. I began to despise Bob, I refused to have contact with or even mention Jimmy. Coincidentally, this was the time that Bob was diagnosed with cancer. A second opinion discovered it was in fact, not cancer, but during that month that we thought it was, it was a constant battle in me. Sorry that this is all jumbled. I've kept this all to myself my whole life, so it's kind of all coming out now. Skip forward to current times, Jimmy found the strength to separate himself from Bob. He's been sober for two months now. He is working on his GED and he as I are going to start mending our relationship. He contacted me, asking if I would be alright with it once he knew he had a handle on things. I told him that I was ready whenever he was. Bob is well, still Bob. You can't change Bob.
This has been on my mind lately because I have to go see Bob tomorrow. His youngest, who was like a mother, sister, and best friend growing up decided to have a joint birthday party with him. I
Especially lately, when I am beginning to realize just how much I have in common with Bob. I'm a free spirit and though I love my boyfriend with everything I am, sometimes I just see him as an anchor holding me here. Same with Twin and Zach, the two people I've let the closest to me. I hate thinking about them like that, absolutely loathe it. I need to learn how to balance the two, but you know me, I'm all or nothing (which makes my condition make a lot more sense) and I don't know how to be happy where I am. I don't know how to just let things be what they are and be content with it. I wish I could.
Okay, so maybe I lied about that life being good part. My brain is getting all messed up again. All I do is fight with everyone. Being home is literally a death sentence. I can't stop thinking about hurting myself or someone else and killing myself or someone else. If I was smart, I would go see my old therapist. Zach wants me to, he even offered to call her for me. I would see her before things spiral out of my control. I would show her my research over PTSD from the accident and see what she thought so I could heal and not have panic attacks whenever I drive and be able to watch those stupid car accident videos without entirely breaking down. Coby told me he had been in an accident the other day (he wasn't really, but that's another story) and I even though he was texting me so I knew he was fine, my reaction was really bad. Yet I don't want to see her, not after what happened. I don't want to see her and have her tell me what I already know. I don't want to see her and waste my parent's time or money to try to fix something that will always be broken. I want to work through this on my own. I can.
Meanwhile school starts again today, so I have to find the money for more classes and more supplies. I need Mom to help me buy a chem kit online that I need TODAY because I don't have online money yet, but she isn't listening to me. I need online money. I need a new job, one in my field. I need to take that test Saturday.. I need to study for that test Saturday. I put it off for months, I can't expect it all just to come back to me. I shouldn't have taken so many online courses. I have no fucking clue what to do and the emails didn't really help. I just want everything to stop, stop for five minutes and let me breathe.
And the barely scratches the surface. My god, I hate everything.
If Lewis was right and there really comes a pause, can I have mine?
Don't worry about me, Loves, I'll be fine, I'll survive, it's just been a bad night, but thank you for listening. <3
-S
"There comes a pause, for human strength will not endure to dance without cessation; and everyone must reach the point at length of absolute prostration." -Lewis Carroll
