It's a Poor Sort of Memory

Bonjour Darlings,

Sorry to ruin your Tuesday, but I kind of need to speak with someone about this and I don't want to interrupt Zach at school, not with all that's been going on. Ignore that, that's beside the point. It is kind of funny though, looking back now about how much I pushed him out for my other friends yet in the end he became my only friend.
He's not who I want to talk about today though, I want to talk about my other "friends" specifically one.
Happy birthday, by the way, Dear.
Though I can't tell you that personally because when I tried to I saw that you blocked me, without even reading the page-long apology message I sent to you. The one I sent early in the morning after being awake all night, unable to handle the feelings I've had of missing you for months now. All I had to do to get blocked was send you a friend request, one that I retracted soon after.
So I guess all I can do now is say that I tried, and though it's never enough to say you tried, that's what I'm left with now. That and trying not to remember the memories of when things were good. When you had my back and I had yours. All the times we needed someone and found the other there. The times we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. The time we read about a snake that cloned herself and listened to Walk the Moon because it was our compromise between your music in mine. All the times we compromised between your music and mine, like eighth grade when we decided to play "All I Do is Win" at the beginning and "We Are the Champions" at the end to compromise. Even if that ended up being a competition between us. So much was, but it was inevitable. Even from the first day we met you and I had a competition between us. But we overcame that, we became friends, really, really close friends. That was the thing with us, we overcame, everything, everything until the end.
I can't think about that though. I can't think about the things we overcome but I have to think about the end, the things that tore us apart. I have to remember all the times you shoved me to the side. The times you pushed me out for friends that convinced you that drugs and alcohol would solve your problems. I can't remember that time you reached out to me and I couldn't help so I had to reach out to them, because it wasn't the feud between us that mattered to me. It was you and what was best for you. I can't remember the time I tried to stop you from seeing him... but you still did... then I held you for hours until you calmed down.
I have to remember the bad things between us. Too bad the good outweigh them. I wish you'd remember that.

Thanks for listening, everyone. That helped a bit,
-S

"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards." -Lewis Carroll

I Can't Go Back to Yesterday

'Allo, Loves,

First off, I want to apologize for just disappearing on everyone. My initial blog caused me to focus on the negative in my life instead of rejoicing in all the good things that were happening. I just felt it was a good idea to take that enabler out of my way.
Now I'm back because I kind of missed it.
I wanted to start fresh. Same title, same tagline, but new blog and new purpose.
How has everything been going for everyone? Things got really good for a while, but recently kind of came crashing down a little bit. It's nothing that a lot of hard work and time won't fix. That's my only fear in starting this blog right now, that it'll evolve into all the negative things the old one was.
Still, I believe things have changed quite a bit since then. I am a different person living a different life.
Despite having an entirely different life now, I am currently trying to repair some of the friendships I broke before. This scares me because it's another route into my old life that I am putting in front of myself. I believe I am strong enough to avoid it. I lost some very amazing people and I want them back, if they will allow me back into their lives.
If not, I understand. I made countless mistakes, hurt many people. I can't go back to yesterday, but I can ask for forgiveness and try to fix things today.

-S

"I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then." -Lewis Carroll